Fuck em all

I want to run away from everyone.
I want to run away from Backus, from Josh, from my family, from my friends.
I want to go somewhere nobody knows me, nobody cares about me, nobody asks questions or calls me. I want to be lonely. I want to be alone. I hate the world so much right now, even the people who love me. Especially them.
I'm obsessed with the past and I feel like there will never be a new life until I go somewhere where no one knows me and I can tell whatever lies I want them to believe about who I am and what has happened to me.
So freakin' emo right now. I'm sick of 'love' and I'm sick of friends who always want to be more and I'm sick of stalkers. I know I must be doing something to encourage these excessive attachments people make to me, but I just want to run away. I want nothing else than to have a life in a beautiful city where the only people I know are acquaintances who will never show up at my door asking why we aren't dating.
I hate the memories in this town.
I wanted a stable life here, I wanted to have as 'normal' of a life as I could and then my heart got hurt and hurt until I couldn't feel. I grew hard and bitter. It's too late now.
It's too fucking late.
Now I just have to... try something else.

Can't you hear that thunder?

We've been having storms all week which has put me in an introspective mood. Nothing is the way I dreamed or wanted it to be, but I'm not upset. I guess I finally understand that life is something that happens while you're making other plans. We can think whatever we want, but life will just... be.


I am so angry and have been in a consummately vile mood the entire day.

I feel like Thomas Jefferson yelling, "All we ask is to be let alone!"


The hypocrisy, it is delicious

Man Tattoos Leviticus 18:22 That Forbids Homosexuality On His Arm, But Leviticus 19:28 Forbids Tattoos

I think this is one for the HERP DERP DERP files.
Is there anything about religion that doesn't turn otherwise normal people into absolute idiots about certain things?

Today's Word is: Parataxic Distortion

"Parataxic distortion is a psychiatric term first used by Harry S. Sullivan to explain the inclination to skew perceptions of others based on fantasy. The "distortion" is in the perception of others, based not on actual experience with the individual but from a projected fantasy personality. For example: when one falls in love they can create an image of the person as the “perfect match” or “soul mate” only to find out later the person did not match the original perception. The fantasy personality is created in part from experience and from emotional stress. The stress of forming a new relationship or finding a life mate, where one contemplates reproduction, can be seen as stress, although it is perceived as pleasurable. “Falling in love” can create the atmosphere where parataxic distortion is primarily involved in the perception of the object of affection. It is possible in these situations for chemical influences to play a role in the “falling in love” process.

Taxic (the word is from the Greek παράταξις, "placement side by side") distortion also results when the therapist’s evaluation of the client is affected by past experiences, either clinical or in life. For example, a particular trait of a female client might remind the therapist of his or her own mother and therefore distort the perception of the individual. Parataxic distortion is very difficult to avoid completely, because of the nature of human learning and interaction. Media could also be a source of parataxic distortion, for example, stereotyping of a drug addict as having certain traits and personality components can have an impact on the clear assessment of a client with a history of substance abuse. This sort of stereotyping and classification of people in groups has a distorting effect on the clear perception of an individual."

Good? I... guess?

Got a call from Abram today to let me know that Dave Duprey hung himself two nights ago and is dead.
I can't say I feel any regret or tenderness towards him now that he's dead... I mostly wish he had done this a year ago before my sister died. Although, to be fair, she already may have been so far gone at that point that it wouldn't have mattered.
I'm not sure if Abram expected me to express happiness or satisfaction at Dave's death. I'm not happy or satisfied. It won't bring Lael back. It's just another wasted life that now has no chance of ever being redeemed.

The sky is so oddly blue right now

My health has been very bad the past two weeks. This week especially I've been in too much pain to do anything but lay in bed and whimper. The insomnia has been back with a vengeance and I've been getting an average of two- three and a half hours of sleep at night.
Seems like I'm perpetually exhausted, even if I do happen to get one good night's sleep.
On the plus side, I haven't allowed it to interfere with going to work and doing what I need to do. I'm just incredibly, incredibly tired while I do it and then I come home and just lay on the bed, unable to do anything but wish I could fall asleep.

In other matters, all this staying up at night breeds thoughts which breed narratives. This would be wonderful if only I wasn't too tired to write them down at the time and then by the next afternoon (when I have a chance to write them down) I can't remember them.
This is very frustrating and I am going to be making more of an effort to write things down at night when I think of them. It's just hard because I don't want to wake up Backus by turning on the light, and alot of the time at night my stomach hurts so much that any movement is almost unthinkable. I'm still going to try.

Writing a song as a gift can be hard.

I've sat down in earnest to write this damn song I promised my brother I would give him for his wedding gift.

I'm trying to write something about the first walk that Abram (my brother) and Sarah (his wife) took where they both realized that even though they barely knew each other they were in love. Whenever Sarah tells the story, she always points out that, when they came out of the woods they were walking in, they were holding hands, although neither of them had really realized they were doing it. It's a really cute story and I think it would make them both really happy to have it be the subject of the song instead of some generic "I love you, you make me so happy" sort of thing.

However, everything I've come up with just seems awkward or too much or not enough. I'm not a gooshy person, so if I write a totally gooshy song it's going to sound fake. On the hand, I don't want it to be so devoid of romantic feeling that you don't even feel like it's a song about two people in love.

Then there's the problem of the sound of the song. I'm the kind of person who writes easiest when I have a tune first and then I kind of just go from there, but again, the problem seems to be "Oh, that's waaay too slow and bland." or "That's too light-hearted and upbeat." or simply "Well, that's fucking boring."

Obviously, since it's a gift, I want it to be really good, so maybe I'm stressing out over it too much and making it harder on myself. Guess I'll keep trying to write things down and strumming on the guitar and hope that something strikes me, but it's frustrating!